Posted in Mixed Six, Random Thoughts

Control

The world is always spinning and sometimes it feels as though it is spinning upside down. It’s hard to hold on, even though there’s gravity that ties me to this Earth, I do not feel as though I am a part of it. The Earth spins so out of control that I start to feel it’s heaviness and speed in my chest, I start to suffocate, full of anxiety. I spin around and around and around, I cannot let go. I step back and attempt to catch my breath only to taste the familiar scent of exhaustion. Then I awake. I awake surrounded by the ones who judge us, I awake to the ones who tell me I am not good enough today, I am not good enough any day. I slowly cusp my ears to stop their angry words from entering my soul but they find themselves slipping through the cracks of my fingers and then again, I hear the world judging me for things that I have no control.

I step up and move forward, pushing through the judgmental people, I then realize these people are the same ones who claim they wouldn’t hurt me, claim that they love me and want what’s best for me. They love me? They want what’s best for me? Yet, they hurt me with their knives in my back. It is those that are the reason I do not trust anyone. That I do not give someone the chance to hold the knife and that I do not turn my back and always look people straight in the eyes, never lose eye contact.

The fear of every one else looking upon me, judging me comes to surpass in time. I learn to be my own person, I learn to be a better person, and I learn to adapt to the world around me and instead of attempting to be a part of a world that I do not understand, I move forward and I create my own world, one that I am so familiar with, one that I am comfortable in.

 

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Posted in Random Thoughts

The Battle

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Life is constantly moving in all different directions. It sometimes goes so fast that I feel like I can’t catch up with anything. The days just go by and I still haven’t gotten everything in my life completed by the end of the day. It really leaves me feeling defeated and hopeless. I’ve been feeling this way for way too long. It’s time to get control, keep control, and satisfy the necessities I have in life.

The last thing I want to do is make my blog feel as though I am writing it for media purposes or being paid to write something, so all of my work is authentic and my actual feelings. It’s Veronica in the flesh.

The battle is usually only half the struggle, for me though, it seems to be like the whole damn thing. It’s hard to get up in the morning knowing that I have absolutely zilch control over my life right now. For me, it’s pinpointing when I lost control and how to get it back. You may be wondering, what control am I referring to? Let me elaborate….I feel that I’ve lost control over my body, my mind, my house, and financial freedom.

In the months of empowering other women to do the best they can in life, I’ve lost my own empowerment and that’s not a fun thing to go through. I’ve lost my positive outlook on life and I guess everyone goes through these times. Let’s start with my struggles:

Parenting

As a parent, it is super difficult admitting that you’re not doing something right. Here I am, full disclosure, I’m not doing something right.  I read a post the other day that said blaming your children for your dirty house is a terrible excuse and you should be able to clean it regardless of having kids. The thing about that is, when you have so many kids (we have six) and they are super young in age, the house is going to get messy and keeping it clean is going to be difficult. Both my husband and I can clean all day long and our children will literally follow behind us and destroy what we have done. If I want a spotless house I won’t be able to do anything but clean it, 24/7. My older 4 children seem to not understand what neatness is. They will pretend to pick up the house and their messes, then sit right back in front of whatever electronic that has their minds intrigued. It’s time I put a stop to that.

Financial Freedoms

Financial struggles happen to all of us and I’ve been the person that received a $500 utilities bill and didn’t know how the hell I would pay it. I used to have to run around our small town and try to get help from businesses when that would happen. That’s not what I’m talking about here. We’re not necessarily struggling financially, which I am thankful for. It’s the lack of extra money. We want things and we can’t always buy what we want. I see so many people who decide they don’t want to cook that night and they run out and buy these big ass meals and they always have extra money. Somewhere along the line, I messed up and didn’t budget very well and now I have to fix it before we can have any extra income. I want to make a promise to myself that I will somehow rise above this and get back on track so that we can save money and spend money. (Before anyone comments anything assholeish we have six kids but we don’t get food stamps, so yea there’s not that extra money).

Body Image

Carrying a baby in you is such a beautiful experience and it was amazing to feel those little flutters and kicks…. and then giving birth is such a spiritual awakening. Now lets times this by six and now I have a body that I don’t love. Prior to getting pregnant with our last son, I was working on being healthy and eating right, exercising. I would exercise multiple times a day for up to 2 hours a day sometimes. I would do it on my breaks (because I work from home), before bed, after I woke up, any time I thought I needed to exercise. No, I wasn’t skinny and I was obsessed with trying to lose weight, which was not healthy at all. Now, I’m like two in a half years after giving birth to our last son and I am ashamed of how I look. I cry over it. I have to gain control and I need to exercise and diet the proper way. I’ve stopped drinking Dr. Pepper, and I have tried Keto, Paleo, and Whole 30, some things just don’t work for me very well. Now, I am attempting to up my water intake, drink water in the morning, lower my caffeine intake.

These are just some of the struggles I’ve been facing in 2018. If you’re anything like me you tend to want things to happen right now and you’re super impatient. I have a support group for health on Facebook, it’s called Health Crunch and I will share it to my Facebook page!