The world is always spinning and sometimes it feels as though it is spinning upside down. It’s hard to hold on, even though there’s gravity that ties me to this Earth, I do not feel as though I am a part of it. The Earth spins so out of control that I start to feel it’s heaviness and speed in my chest, I start to suffocate, full of anxiety. I spin around and around and around, I cannot let go. I step back and attempt to catch my breath only to taste the familiar scent of exhaustion. Then I awake. I awake surrounded by the ones who judge us, I awake to the ones who tell me I am not good enough today, I am not good enough any day. I slowly cusp my ears to stop their angry words from entering my soul but they find themselves slipping through the cracks of my fingers and then again, I hear the world judging me for things that I have no control.
I step up and move forward, pushing through the judgmental people, I then realize these people are the same ones who claim they wouldn’t hurt me, claim that they love me and want what’s best for me. They love me? They want what’s best for me? Yet, they hurt me with their knives in my back. It is those that are the reason I do not trust anyone. That I do not give someone the chance to hold the knife and that I do not turn my back and always look people straight in the eyes, never lose eye contact.
The fear of every one else looking upon me, judging me comes to surpass in time. I learn to be my own person, I learn to be a better person, and I learn to adapt to the world around me and instead of attempting to be a part of a world that I do not understand, I move forward and I create my own world, one that I am so familiar with, one that I am comfortable in.
Have you ever just needed someone’s attention and it’s like you’re screaming so loud but yet no one can hear or see you? Almost as though you’ve become a ghost to people that matter to you. Now don’t get me wrong I am very much aware that people have their own lives and they must live them. However, I am a firm believer that we all need the comfort of other people and to have others in our lives. It’s not healthy to be lonely.
What am I getting at?
Three years ago I left the face of the book, friends, family and everything. The tension and drama got so bad that I was unable to handle the stress of FB. Well, last year I realized how important it is to stay in the zone with my kids school and I can do it easily but FB. Which made me reactivate it and thus starting an entire new chapter in my social media frenzy. I am calling it quits again. I don’t want to be that close to people. I don’t want to check my FB 24/7 to see what others are doing, I don’t want to see someone who dislikes me or me dislike them liking things and then creep on their stuff, I don’t want to feel entrapped in the world of FB and all the problems that come with it. Thus… I am not deactivating it but I will not be participating in my FB profile.
What does this even mean?
It means though I will have an active profile and have friends on there I will not be updating you on my life. Now, I may continue to add photos of the kids every now and then. I will be on my group and still running it. I will have messenger installed on my phone in case teachers need to reach me. I will be available for contact. I will also be running my FB Page with the same name.
All Other Social Media….
I have deleted all my social media apps from FB, Snapchat, all the way to Instagram. If you really want to find me I guess you would know how.
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In high school we’re usually asked a simple question, where do we see ourselves in 5 or 10 years from now. I think that’s a pretty difficult answer to come up with because so much changes throughout adulthood that we can’t predict where we see ourselves. Yes, it’s to help students implement a goal and try to reach it, but just because you’re not where you predicted you’d be, does that make you a failure?
I for one never thought, I’d be a mother of five boys, going on number 6 any day now, and working in the technical field. In fact, I wanted to be a cosmetologist and then decided I wanted to be a mother and wanted to be able to stay at home with my child. Then I went through a divorce and needed to make sure I could support that child, plus any more that I had at that point, there’s a ton of things I’ve went through that I didn’t expect. But, that question where I see myself in 5-10 years, well my answer was never accurate.
In fact, I think that it’s a stupid question to ask a bunch of students who are going to go on this journey to find out who they really are and what they really want to do with themselves. I’m 27 years old saying this. It was 10 years ago when I was asked that question and I’m at a completely different place in my life than I thought I’d be back then. I’m a completely different person, with completely different feelings and aspects.