Posted in Mixed Six, Random Thoughts

Control

The world is always spinning and sometimes it feels as though it is spinning upside down. It’s hard to hold on, even though there’s gravity that ties me to this Earth, I do not feel as though I am a part of it. The Earth spins so out of control that I start to feel it’s heaviness and speed in my chest, I start to suffocate, full of anxiety. I spin around and around and around, I cannot let go. I step back and attempt to catch my breath only to taste the familiar scent of exhaustion. Then I awake. I awake surrounded by the ones who judge us, I awake to the ones who tell me I am not good enough today, I am not good enough any day. I slowly cusp my ears to stop their angry words from entering my soul but they find themselves slipping through the cracks of my fingers and then again, I hear the world judging me for things that I have no control.

I step up and move forward, pushing through the judgmental people, I then realize these people are the same ones who claim they wouldn’t hurt me, claim that they love me and want what’s best for me. They love me? They want what’s best for me? Yet, they hurt me with their knives in my back. It is those that are the reason I do not trust anyone. That I do not give someone the chance to hold the knife and that I do not turn my back and always look people straight in the eyes, never lose eye contact.

The fear of every one else looking upon me, judging me comes to surpass in time. I learn to be my own person, I learn to be a better person, and I learn to adapt to the world around me and instead of attempting to be a part of a world that I do not understand, I move forward and I create my own world, one that I am so familiar with, one that I am comfortable in.

 

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