Posted in Random Thoughts

I am the Omega woman

People, who know me know that I love werewolves and vampires, so why not use the terminology to describe myself? Omega actually does not come from the lonesome wolf that we all know. It comes from the Greek word meaning a person who has been or feels rejected by society. Being rejected by society is not always a bad thing and here’s a post on how I am the Omega woman.

Not many people can actually really say they associate with me. They don’t know my thoughts or what is going on in my day to day life. Heck, they don’t even stop to say hi to me when they do see me. I know some people just add me on Facebook to be nosey but there is nothing to find there. I post about my kids and crunchy things. Maybe a humorous post here and there, but nothing really that come from my mind and heart.

 

I keep to myself. I have not always been this way. I actually started out posting all my cry baby business on Facebook because being a crybaby was my life and I am the first to admit this. I was so down on myself and had no shame in letting the entire world know how I really felt about my relationship. I’m actually ashamed of this.

I spend 99% of my time with my kids and doing mom things. Most of my friends don’t do this. If there’s an event at the school, you bet I’m there in each and every one of my kid’s classes. If my kid needs help with homework, I’m there to help him through it and to teach him what he doesn’t know. If the splash pad is open, you bet I’ll be going to that once a week or multiple times just to spend time with my kids. There’s a new superhero movie out, I’ll be there to see it with my boys.

I don’t allow others to tell me how to parent my kids. Like those people who ask why I’m so picky about the chemicals coming in my household or who get sick of hearing me talk about organic this or organic that. Hey, if you’re sick of it, there’s a door and please don’t talk about your bad chemical filled household, I don’t judge you, please don’t judge me.

I’m an open book. You have a question? I’ll answer it.

I push people away and I really can’t help it. I’ve had a ton of those people that were here one day to get their entertainment on and gone the next. I’m used to it. Please don’t let that door hit you on the way out because I’m not here to entertain you.

My loyalty game is strong. I’m loyal to my kids first and above all, my husband comes in a close second and friends/family are last. If they don’t like you, chances are I don’t like you.

I don’t fit it. I don’t go clubbing, I don’t care if you like my car or my house or the way I dress. I don’t care if you like that I breastfeed, cloth diaper, or the way I walk. This is me, you either like it or take a hike.

I am there for people even when they aren’t for me.

Conclusion

I am an Omega because I choose to be different. I don’t really go around saying I’m an Omega woman, but this is the term that can describe how I am. I don’t care what others think or how they feel anymore. I will not respond to the pettiness of others.

-queenofhartsxoxo

 

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Posted in Random Thoughts

No Mother of Mine

Mothers Day, what a wonderful day to celebrate your mother and be celebrated as a mother. However, I will not be celebrating my own mother because she is No Mother of Mine. 

Previously my blog had a ton of posts telling you exactly how I feel about my own mother. Let me take one step back and explain to you that I don’t call her mom. I call her by her first name because to me she isn’t a mother at all. Now, before you start judging me about how I should not treat my mother in such a way, let me tell you a bit about her.

It started off before I was born. She didn’t even want me. She looked into abortions and for some strange reason she backed out. Now, I am thankful for that of course, but she didn’t do it because she had a kind heart. Who knows why she made that choice. She pawned me off on my great grandma’s and she did some pretty awful things when I was a baby. Like put me out in the snow, keep me from my biological father and tell him I wasn’t his, the list can go on forever. When I was a teenager she would tell me I was fat. I really thought I was fat, I wore a jacket every day to cover up my rolls, I was size 7 jeans and 130 pounds, 5′ 6″. I was NOT fat. As I said the list can go on forever.

I’m not mad about the way she used to treat me. It’s how she treats my kids. She has nothing to do with the youngest five. She became very obsessive over my oldest son and she does the same thing to my sisters’ kids except she has a bit more to do with her second son. It got to the point that I had to tell her if she didn’t leave him alone we would get a restraining order. She’s seen my 2nd, 3rd, and 4th son only one time. My last two kids, she hasn’t seen at all. The last time we even spoke to each other was three years ago and it’s because I was stopping to see my grandma. My 2nd son was in the back of the car and my grandma brought up my 4th son’s hair and how curly and poofy it was… and my mom was like “Adam has straight hair” and smiled all big, not even acknowledging my son in the backseat. I said “Tyler has straight hair too” and pointed at him… and she just looked him up and down like she didn’t even care. This argument escalated because I confronted her about coming to the kids birthdays. She never comes to see them and she told me that she has a life and doesn’t have time to come and see my kids. She then told me she doesn’t care about me and walked off.

So, nope I didn’t have a mother to say Happy Mothers Day to..I had a grandmother to say it too. A woman who raised me. A woman who taught me to be a great mom and a woman I look up to. I’m glad she’s here for me still and that she loves all of my babies equally.

Happy Mothers Day to all of you moms! Please share what your kids got you! Mine got me some amazing handmade cards from school and chocolates!

-queenofhartsxoxo

 

Posted in Random Thoughts

I Know You’re Broken and You Want Somebody to Save You

Dear Friend,

I know you’re broken and you want somebody to save you. That is why I am going to dedicate this post to you, you, and you. I have been where you are standing. I have felt the pain and loneliness that one feels when there’s nobody there to help. I have been that mother that struggles to make ends meet. I have been that woman who kept blaming herself for a relationship going south. I have been the girl that was so broken inside that I wanted to curl up in a ball and just be alone, but really I just needed a friend.

I want to let you know that you have somebody. If you need someone to remind you of how much you are loved, I will be that friend. If you need someone to hold your hand through the struggles, I will be that hand. If you need a listening ear to cry about things going wrong, I will be that ear. I know how it feels to have nobody at all.

Some days are tough but I promise it gets better. Being a mother and in charge of little people can be very draining. After all, they depend on you for food, shelter, and love. Now, what I can suggest doing is to put your thoughts aside for the night and love your babies. It will make you feel better. Forget about your worries just for one night because those worries will be there in the morning and time flies by when your kids are growing up.

I have felt the burden of everyone else’s pain. I have felt like there was a huge weight on my shoulders and that I was just being pulled deeper and deeper down into a body of water and I couldn’t breathe. Suffocation at it’s best. I have allowed myself to sit in my misery and sorrow. I have pushed other people away because I felt like nobody cared.

I know that you’re broken and you want somebody to save you. I am here when you need me to.

 

-queenofhartsxoxo

Posted in Random Thoughts

Social Media

Social Media has wonderful aspects and great opportunities. For me though, I have been out of the social media spotlight for a few years. That means I’m a bit behind in my abilities to get followers for my blog and even pages. I’m not going to let that stop me, though.

View Points

Social Media can be a terrific way to meet new friends and to bond with people. I didn’t even know there were so many moms like me. Those that had the same viewpoints as well as loved the natural world we live in. Facebook can be used for so much more than gossip…who knew??

My Social Media Sites

If you look to the right of this blog post —-> you will see the links to my sites…bloggers alike please follow me on my Facebook and I will promise to follow back and affiliate you!

-Queenofhartsxoxo

Posted in Random Thoughts

A Better Me

A Better Me (1)

I have made a decision to go through past blog posts and delete most of them. When I started my blog I had no idea where it may take me in my life and I really didn’t know what my intentions were with my writing. Now that I do know what topics I’d like to write about I am starting fresh, nearly.

When you look back on my past blog posts you will see my birthing stories and motherly posts or my personal thoughts on a subject. Believe me, with six kids, there’s a lot I could write about. I want to be able to share my thoughts and feelings. I want to take you along for the ride of my life.

My Journey

I want to be able to empower all women. I hate that we live in a society where we down each other for sexual preferences, the color of our skin, relationship status, etc. I want to help those mothers who are fresh and new to see the excitement of motherhood. I want to bring each and every one of you along this huge journey.

Better Me

I want to better myself. I want to be a better person, mother, friend, family member, wife and more. I want to show you my world and you show me yours. Here I am, uncensored and I want you to join me in the fun.

Posted in Random Thoughts

Let’s talk about Gender Disappointment

The most important job in this world that I will ever have is being a mother to my six children. As a mother, I always want to feel that I approve everything my child stands for. As I have made you all aware of I just had another son.

Let me start off by saying TyVee is the most amazing, wonderful, and beautiful baby around. I’m absolutely head over heels in love with him. If I had to do it all over again, I’d definitely choose the six boys I have over having a daughter any day.

With my first pregnancy, I was okay with having a boy or a girl. Once he came out a boy, I absolutely loved the idea of having another boy so he could have a brother to play with…. I loved the thought of being a two boy mother. Times change…

My second pregnancy was supposed to be a girl and I couldn’t wrap my head around being a mother to a girl, maybe because of all the issues I had with my own egg donor… I was terrified. But, would not admit it. My baby came out a boy of course and it felt as though a big weight had been lifted off of my shoulders at the time.

My third, fourth, and fifth pregnancies, I didn’t really find it hard to get my head around that I was having another son with these pregnancies. I was okay with five boys by my last son and I was happy to call our family complete at this point. I guess the pressure to have a girl came from outside people, they would ask us if we were trying to have a girl or say things like “no girl yet?” or “another boy!” and that would get me down.

Baby number six was a complete surprise. We were not supposed to be able to have any more, I thought if we weren’t supposed to have any more than maybe just maybe it was finally a girl. I hate to admit it, but I bought the Intelligender again, they again said girl for this one. But, since they lied the time before, I didn’t get my hopes wrapped around having a girl just yet. I got my Sneak Peak fetal DNA test in the mail, and it came back boy, I was sad. I almost cried but thought that since I lived in an all boy house, maybe it wasn’t sterile enough, maybe male DNA got on my test somehow. Then came the 4D ultrasound at 15 weeks. I was so nervous, but I went in and sure enough, there’s my baby sucking HIS thumb. I got so sad, I cried. I thought maybe it was wrong, maybe it was too early. I kept hoping he was a girl. The final ultrasound was the hardest. I waited anxiously for the day to come and then I went hoping he was the girl. The tech checked several times before she said anything to me. He, sure enough, was a boy. I broke down, it broke my heart. I couldn’t even believe myself. I was really THAT upset about the sex of my baby, I was so angry at something that my baby couldn’t help. I was so sad about it. I didn’t understand why I wasn’t good enough to have a daughter of my own. Someone to go shopping with, get my nails done with, do girly things with.

I had read many different things on gender disappointment. I read about how mothers have postpartum depression because of it and even fathers can get depressed because of it. I read things like a mother feels she should be able to mother both sexes and it’s natural to feel this way. But, I felt awful, I felt so angry at myself, I don’t know what I was more disappointed in, me – for being so upset over my baby being a boy or the fact he was a boy! But, I knew that I was not alone, my aunt told me she knew people having their 6th, 7th, and 8th child and they were all boys as well. They were just as disappointed as me.

The big question, how did I get over it? I knew that I eventually would get over it. But, I was so scared I wouldn’t. I have had five children before him and didn’t suffer from postpartum depression with any of them. I did not want to suffer from it all because of his gender! I just eventually got over it. As the days went by, it just didn’t seem like such a big deal. I mean, I wanted him regardless of his sex…. I wanted to hold him and love him and be his mother, no matter what gender he was. I loved my baby then and now. My love for him was not once questioned by me because of his gender.

I realized how silly of me it was to be that upset over the gender about 20 minutes after I gave birth, I mean yes, I was over the fact he was a boy and I was happy to be having a healthy baby at this point. But, my midwife literally had to tell me I should make sure he was a boy, that’s when I had realized, I didn’t even look! When I pushed him out in the birthing pool, I just swooped him up and instantly started smothering him in kisses and loving him, I nearly cried because I just loved him so much. My husband didn’t even check.

11 weeks later, I have to say, he’s well worth it. He’s well worth not having a daughter… all six of my boys are very much worth not having a daughter. They sure stole my heart away from the very beginning.

For those of you who suffer from gender disappointment, it may not be so easy to get over it. I got lucky. I try to think positive and make sure that I do control the things that I can and just accept the things that cannot be changed. But, it is easier said than done and if you feel any depression or feel you need to talk to someone regarding gender disappointment, you should find someone that can support you in it because it can be very real and very serious.

Posted in Random Thoughts

Complications of Wonder

In high school we’re usually asked a simple question, where do we see ourselves in 5 or 10 years from now. I think that’s a pretty difficult answer to come up with because so much changes throughout adulthood that we can’t predict where we see ourselves. Yes, it’s to help students implement a goal and try to reach it, but just because you’re not where you predicted you’d be, does that make you a failure?

I for one never thought, I’d be a mother of five boys, going on number 6 any day now, and working in the technical field. In fact, I wanted to be a cosmetologist and then decided I wanted to be a mother and wanted to be able to stay at home with my child. Then I went through a divorce and needed to make sure I could support that child, plus any more that I had at that point, there’s a ton of things I’ve went through that I didn’t expect. But, that question where I see myself in 5-10 years, well my answer was never accurate.

In fact, I think that it’s a stupid question to ask a bunch of students who are going to go on this journey to find out who they really are and what they really want to do with themselves. I’m 27 years old saying this. It was 10 years ago when I was asked that question and I’m at a completely different place in my life than I thought I’d be back then. I’m a completely different person, with completely different feelings and aspects.