Posted in Random Thoughts

Let’s talk about Gender Disappointment

The most important job in this world that I will ever have is being a mother to my six children. As a mother, I always want to feel that I approve everything my child stands for. As I have made you all aware of I just had another son.

Let me start off by saying TyVee is the most amazing, wonderful, and beautiful baby around. I’m absolutely head over heels in love with him. If I had to do it all over again, I’d definitely choose the six boys I have over having a daughter any day.

With my first pregnancy, I was okay with having a boy or a girl. Once he came out a boy, I absolutely loved the idea of having another boy so he could have a brother to play with…. I loved the thought of being a two boy mother. Times change…

My second pregnancy was supposed to be a girl and I couldn’t wrap my head around being a mother to a girl, maybe because of all the issues I had with my own egg donor… I was terrified. But, would not admit it. My baby came out a boy of course and it felt as though a big weight had been lifted off of my shoulders at the time.

My third, fourth, and fifth pregnancies, I didn’t really find it hard to get my head around that I was having another son with these pregnancies. I was okay with five boys by my last son and I was happy to call our family complete at this point. I guess the pressure to have a girl came from outside people, they would ask us if we were trying to have a girl or say things like “no girl yet?” or “another boy!” and that would get me down.

Baby number six was a complete surprise. We were not supposed to be able to have any more, I thought if we weren’t supposed to have any more than maybe just maybe it was finally a girl. I hate to admit it, but I bought the Intelligender again, they again said girl for this one. But, since they lied the time before, I didn’t get my hopes wrapped around having a girl just yet. I got my Sneak Peak fetal DNA test in the mail, and it came back boy, I was sad. I almost cried but thought that since I lived in an all boy house, maybe it wasn’t sterile enough, maybe male DNA got on my test somehow. Then came the 4D ultrasound at 15 weeks. I was so nervous, but I went in and sure enough, there’s my baby sucking HIS thumb. I got so sad, I cried. I thought maybe it was wrong, maybe it was too early. I kept hoping he was a girl. The final ultrasound was the hardest. I waited anxiously for the day to come and then I went hoping he was the girl. The tech checked several times before she said anything to me. He, sure enough, was a boy. I broke down, it broke my heart. I couldn’t even believe myself. I was really THAT upset about the sex of my baby, I was so angry at something that my baby couldn’t help. I was so sad about it. I didn’t understand why I wasn’t good enough to have a daughter of my own. Someone to go shopping with, get my nails done with, do girly things with.

I had read many different things on gender disappointment. I read about how mothers have postpartum depression because of it and even fathers can get depressed because of it. I read things like a mother feels she should be able to mother both sexes and it’s natural to feel this way. But, I felt awful, I felt so angry at myself, I don’t know what I was more disappointed in, me – for being so upset over my baby being a boy or the fact he was a boy! But, I knew that I was not alone, my aunt told me she knew people having their 6th, 7th, and 8th child and they were all boys as well. They were just as disappointed as me.

The big question, how did I get over it? I knew that I eventually would get over it. But, I was so scared I wouldn’t. I have had five children before him and didn’t suffer from postpartum depression with any of them. I did not want to suffer from it all because of his gender! I just eventually got over it. As the days went by, it just didn’t seem like such a big deal. I mean, I wanted him regardless of his sex…. I wanted to hold him and love him and be his mother, no matter what gender he was. I loved my baby then and now. My love for him was not once questioned by me because of his gender.

I realized how silly of me it was to be that upset over the gender about 20 minutes after I gave birth, I mean yes, I was over the fact he was a boy and I was happy to be having a healthy baby at this point. But, my midwife literally had to tell me I should make sure he was a boy, that’s when I had realized, I didn’t even look! When I pushed him out in the birthing pool, I just swooped him up and instantly started smothering him in kisses and loving him, I nearly cried because I just loved him so much. My husband didn’t even check.

11 weeks later, I have to say, he’s well worth it. He’s well worth not having a daughter… all six of my boys are very much worth not having a daughter. They sure stole my heart away from the very beginning.

For those of you who suffer from gender disappointment, it may not be so easy to get over it. I got lucky. I try to think positive and make sure that I do control the things that I can and just accept the things that cannot be changed. But, it is easier said than done and if you feel any depression or feel you need to talk to someone regarding gender disappointment, you should find someone that can support you in it because it can be very real and very serious.


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